Change

I Think of You: A Note from a New Mama

Posted on by Kaylin Stravalli

In the past three months, my life has forever changed. It has been a dream come true … and it has also been one of the most difficult times – mentally and emotionally – of my life.

While I am typically pretty good at keeping in touch with friends and family, in these past weeks, people have probably wondered what world I’ve been living in because it certainly wasn’t my usual one.

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They’d be right. I’m living in a whole new world in the white house at 6729. It consists of my husband, our dog Frank, one tiny human whom I love more than life itself, and me.

We have all been adjusting to our new life, and, for the most part, it has been an easy adjustment to make.

I have always wanted to be a mama. I’ve spent my whole life dreaming of it, watching and learning from other mamas before me, and figuring out what kind of mama I wanted to be when – God willing – the time came.

So when we found out I was pregnant, my heart was overjoyed. My prayers had been answered. My dream was coming true. When our daughter was born, it was like one giant puzzle piece in my life and in my heart fell into place. I slipped into my new role like a new dress tailor made for me. It fit perfectly and felt wonderful, powerful, and joyful.

But as my husband and I say, “It’s not all puppy dogs and rainbows.” First, labor and delivery is no joke. Second, recovery is no picnic either. It hurts. You’re sore. You’re tired (read: even more likely, you’re flat out exhausted). Not to mention, there’s a tiny human who is completely dependent on you for love and survival.

There are no breaks.

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Motherhood is diaper changes and nonstop nursing and a nap here and there – if you’re lucky. It’s learning her cues, so when feeding time comes, she’s not already ticked and starving.

It’s figuring out which diapers give the most coverage and the least likelihood of a blowout or diaper rash.

It’s tummy time – an activity she didn’t mind it in the beginning and now hates. That means you now have to find creative ways of getting that time in to build her muscles, so she can hit that next milestone and prevent a flat head.

It’s waking up at all hours of the night, then truly waking up sometimes and realizing you’d picked up and nursed your baby in your sleep. You know this because you’re holding her and your breast is out and near her little mouth like she’d passed out after she got her fill. It’s both amazing and a bit scary.

It’s learning that my body was built for this. I can survive on little to no sleep; finally, all those years of having trouble sleeping are paying off! My body can produce enough milk to feed my baby (something I know not everyone can do, which makes me extra grateful that I can), and I love being able to breastfeed her. My body handled pregnancy, labor, and delivery like a champ and has recovered quickly and well. For all of this, I am forever thankful.

It’s watching for signs of postpartum depression, so I monitored my mental and emotional state.

I also sat up thinking and praying and planning. I multitasked and kept the house (decently) clean. I took care of and made sure to give Frank love. I navigated my relationship and the changes that come with now being a wife and a mother. I racked my brain for any and everything that could be done from home to bring in money for the household, so I could stay home and be with my daughter because the thought of someone else watching her makes me cry and feel physically ill.

Through all of this, I have thought of my friends and family with whom I am typically good at keeping in touch. Lately, I haven’t been so good.

You may have wondered where I went. You may have been gracious enough to know that I was busy trying to learn how to be a mama and take care of a tiny human and just needed time to figure it all out.

You may have been worried about me, about how I was doing, about how I was dealing with everything, about how I’d do when maternity leave ended. (In fairness, I was asking myself all of these same questions.)

You may have thought I was too busy to think of you.

Well … some of all of that is true and warranted.

You may have asked yourself these questions but kept them in your heart; or you may have let it go long enough and checked in on me and asked – even if I didn’t always give you the full truth in return.

Know this, though, I did and do think of you. It’s just that:

  • It was at 2 a.m., I was up to nurse, and it wasn’t an appropriate time to call or text.
  • I got a free minute and a free hand, got ready to call you, and the dog needed to go out, the baby woke up again and needed fed, and/or I needed to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and hair, and shower – or it was never going to happen.
  • I had just enough time to get a couple of house chores done and they were all loud. A noisy call would be hard and rude; and texting would interrupt the workflow too much, so I wouldn’t finish what I needed to get done.
  • I wanted to talk to you but knew I’d break down if I heard your voice.
  • Or you’d ask about my return to work, and I couldn’t bear thinking about it or giving an answer that wasn’t even true just to cut off that line of dialogue.
  • I wanted to see you but knew you’d take one look at me and know I was struggling. I couldn’t handle the pity or an offer to help when I knew you already had a full plate of your own. Plus, other people trying to care for my baby stressed me out more than it helped.
  • I also couldn’t bear breaking down and spilling my struggles because they were things I needed to work out for myself and with my husband; and it felt like a betrayal of my relationship to talk to anyone else about them. The guilt of that was one more thing I could not add to my load.
  • I thought of you, but it was 2 a.m. again and not an appropriate time to call or text.

In the past three months, my life has forever changed. It has been a dream come true, and it has also been one of the most difficult times of my life. I may have been busy navigating my new norm but know I thought of you often. I just wasn’t always able to reach out like I would have before – for a number of reasons, none of which were really about you.

Thank you to those who have given me the grace of space and understanding and to those who have broken through with a message you couldn’t have known was so perfectly timed.

My How Far We’ve Come: Perspective from a New Year

Posted on by Kaylin Stravalli

Over the holidays, I had the chance to catch up with one of my best friends. She is living abroad for a year for her job and is traveling as much of the world as she possibly can. It’s a dream come true for her – quite literally. She has been dreaming about and working toward this opportunity for several years.

It finally paid off.

Now, that is not to say there weren’t a few bumps in the road or obstacles that needed maneuvering. There were several. As someone who was along for the ride through all the ups and downs, twists and turns, I feel uniquely equipped to remark on just how far she has come in a year.

Of course, if you’re anything like me, this time of year typically involves a certain amount of retrospection as well as introspection. I take stock of the goals and resolutions I had set for the year and assess how many I actually achieved. I had just done a bit of this inventory when I met up with her. Like me, she is one to look back and take stock of the changes each year brings.

We ate at one of our favorite restaurants one night with another of our closest friends and caught up on all the latest news since the last time we’d all been together. We talked about her work and her travels. We talked about the differences (big and small) of living in a foreign place, where the language, food, culture, and customs are just that – foreign. Then we each went in different directions until we can be together again.

I went home and kept thinking over the next couple days about all the things we discussed going on in each of our lives. Between the three of us, there had been changes in work, travel, relationships, marriage, relocation, and the thought of kids.

Then, it occurred to me just how much had changed in 365 days, how much we had changed. While we could only steal a few hours here and there, the difference was evident, and I told her so.

My how far we’ve come. It seemed what we gained most from the past 365 days of experiences was…perspective.

As we like to remind each other, “The Man has a Plan, and He knows what He’s doing.” And He does. While it may not always be clear to us or easy to trust and put all of our hopes, dreams, and faith in, what we gain in the end is the perspective we need to see just how far we’ve come. If we’re lucky, we find ourselves in a better place, and we see exactly how and why we arrived when we did rather than when we thought we should.

All the hell we had been through to get here (whether in the past year or many years) makes much more sense to us now. It was all preparation to guarantee we were truly ready, in every way, for the things ahead. That process ensured we truly appreciate, enjoy, and savor them in a way we couldn’t have had we not gone through a bit of hell to get there.

It may have seemed chaotic at the time, but looking back, we can see how every bump in the road or obstacle that made us change course acted as a stepping stone on the path toward reaching our goals and dreams  – or at least brought us much closer to them. All those obstacles we maneuvered had led us here. Thankfully, “here” is a good, perhaps even better place than we’d originally been trying to reach. The road may have been long and winding, but we got there all right.

So as we start this New Year, we do so “looking down from 30,000 feet” and realize “life’s been good to me.”