Choices

Purpose in My Heart

Posted on by Kaylin Stravalli

I woke up one morning last week with a purpose in my heart. Do you ever have that feeling? The one that feels like some of the thousands of tiny pieces you’ve been trying to fit together finally fell into place in your heart while you slept? It’s a weird one, for sure, but also… one of the coolest.

It was like all the sleepless nights I have spent trying to figure things out, all the working dreams I have had, and all of the things (big and small) that I have done and accomplished over the past several years FINALLY paid some dividends.

There was no real Aha! moment. Nothing that I woke up thinking was new. In fact, it was a bunch of thoughts I have all the time. Wishes I make regularly. Dreams I dream every day and night. So what was different?

This feeling.

I woke with a purpose in my heart to do the things I have been wishing and hoping and praying for my whole life. I felt filled with the knowledge that I was meant for it. I felt certain that it was one of the reasons I was put on this planet, that it was my way to make this world just a little bit better place to be, and that somehow, some way it was going to give me the life I’ve always felt I was meant to live. I felt confident that I was ready to move forward.

Sacrifices, compromises, and a lot of time and sweat equity will be required, but I’m finally ready to make them. I’m finally ready to pursue the things that have long felt like pipe dreams, wishful thinking, or a child’s naïveté.

And when those thoughts creeped in…Who am I to do this? What makes me qualified? What if I fail? What if I make a fool of myself? I answered myself.

Why not me? I have the education, the experience, and the interest.

What if I never try, never just do the darn thing, never put myself out there? I would regret it, and I would always wonder what might have been. I would never know how it might have changed the course of my life in ways big and small.

And honestly, I need to find a way to get back some of the qualities of the girl that I was growing up because that girl beat to her own drum and did not give a rip if it didn’t make sense to other people. It made sense to her; it made her happy; and that’s all that mattered.

Even if I fail or it doesn’t work out or it leads me down a path I never expected, at least I will know I did so by stepping out on a limb, hoping it can bear the weight of a lifetime of dreams. I will have done so trying. I will have learned and grown and ended up somewhere new. My Quality of Failure will get an A+. And that is a much better life than playing it safe and always wondering where it would have led me.

So what is the nagging idea that resurfaces in your sleep and in your daydreams? What distracts you when you’re busy doing all the things you “have to” do and makes you think, I could be doing so many other things, like ______ and is always the thing that fills in the blank.

If I were a betting woman, I’d bet something just popped into your head. What is it? Are you ready to listen to that voice yet? Are the pieces starting to fall into place in your heart?

Maybe they are, or maybe you still need some time to work your way around it before you can zero in on that thing in the center. This process is good and necessary. It leads to the Aha! moments that feel a lot more like the truth you’ve always known making itself perfect clear – in neon.

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Time vs. Money: Making the Hard Choice

Posted on by Kaylin Stravalli

For months, I have been thinking about the concept of time versus money. I have been trying to wrap my mind around it. Which is more important? Which do I value more? What can I afford? How can I justify my choice, and should I even have to?

I wish I could say it had been easy to figure out, but it wasn’t.

If you have read my last few posts, you know that within the past year I have had my first baby, turned 30, and reflected on where I thought I’d be in my life by now. What you may not know is that shortly after those first two events, I returned to work to find my position had been eliminated.

Because of each of these events, I spent a lot of sleepless nights thinking. I took stock of what matters most to me, what I value, what I stand for, and what I could do that would allow me to stay true to those things – and to myself – while still doing what needed to be done.

Let me tell you, the struggle. was. real.

When I found a new job, I also found myself faced with the choice between time and money. I knew in my heart and soul what I wanted and needed. I always knew what I valued and what mattered most to me. Yet, I had to wage war with myself to make the choice.

In short, I had to be able to live with myself. I had to choose the path that would honor the person I need to be and the life I need to live.

Those questions I asked myself before? They were never really the questions that needed answering. They were merely exercises in the mental gymnastics I needed to do to lead me to the real questions: How do I justify my decision? And how do I make it work?

I wasn’t struggling between the desire for money or status or a fancy job. I was struggling because I had to justify my decision to my head and – I felt – to other people.

Should you find yourself in a similar situation, you should know:

  • Looking within you to find to the answers to those questions is not easy.
  • Justifying those answers to yourself, to your partner, to your potential employer, and to your bank account is even harder.
  • You will struggle.
  • You will be judged.
  • You will pray for things you never imagined needing.
  • You will cry – a lot.

At least, that’s how it worked for me.

In the end, though, if you do the soul-searching work, you will find the answers you need.

Ultimately, I chose time. And the choice came down to this:

More time with my daughter is something that I can never get back. 

That mental gymnastics I performed helped me come to my final decision. It helped me find peace; and it gave me the freedom (if only from myself and my urge to never disappoint the people in my life) to make that decision without constantly second-guessing myself once I had.

As for other people…I know I sacrificed money and some other things that they may find foolish or silly for just one more day a week at home, but that’s okay.

They don’t have to get it.

They aren’t living my life. They have their own choices to make, and I won’t always understand those either. And that’s okay, too.

Because if there’s a choice between time and money? For me, there is no choice.

Time wins – every time.

I will always remember the things I got to do with my daughter and how much I got to watch her grow and develop into the sweet, funny, joyful person she’s becoming.

I will always be grateful for the opportunity to take this time and make these memories with her.

I will always be thankful for the support I have received from those who love me.

You see, I will hustle, and I will sacrifice. I will do everything in my power to make it work because I will never regret taking this time.

That extra day a week at home has made a huge difference in my happiness. It has allowed me to find some balance in my responsibilities, my life, and myself. It has given me time to clean my house! It has taught me how to savor moments of joy and hold onto them through the hard times and challenges. It has made me a better version of myself. And for all of that, I am immensely grateful.

I will cherish this time – always – because these stay-home days have been the best days.