Confidence

I Thought by Now I’d…

Posted on by Kaylin Stravalli

I recently left one decade behind and went full speed ahead into another – in more ways than one; and I began taking stock of how far I’ve come in the past ten years.

The past decade has been interesting to say the least. It was full of growth and change and a roller coaster of emotions. I let go of things I loved and things that were toxic to me to explore the opportunity of finding others that would serve me better and make me happier in the long run.

And yet …  my life hasn’t quite turned out how I had imagined it would twenty, fifteen, or even ten years ago.

Fifteen to twenty years ago, I imagined that by now I would be married with at least two kids and another one on the way (or on our minds at least). I would be an active mom, raising my babies, taking part in their education, and teaching them about the world and how to be a good human. I would be published and fulfilled putting my words out into the world, helping people, and entertaining them too.

Ten years ago, I was heartbroken and more than a little lost. I truly couldn’t imagine where I would end up or how I would get there. Maybe I would be the favorite, super fun, single aunt who travels, always gives the best presents, and is the one my nieces and nephews call when their parents “just don’t get it.”

Rather than any of this, though, life looks a bit more like this quote my sister came across on the internet and shared with me than anything else:

Thoughts of Adulthood
Turning 30, for me, always signified the start of true adulthood. I would no longer be a kid, teen, or young adult. People just seemed to take 30-somethings more seriously than 20-somethings. Yet I still feel like a teenager a lot of the time – only with a lot more freedom and a lot more responsibility.

I imagined having a thriving career as a writer. I imagined writing whenever and wherever, so I could live my two biggest dreams simultaneously – being a writer and a stay-at-home mama.

It would give me the flexibility to create for myself (and my loyal and ever-growing audience of readers, of course), to be a Room Mom, to attend field trips, and get to know my kids and their friends. I imagined having a close, intimate relationship with them like the one I have with my own parents.

In reality, I accomplished only a few of my goals. I live only some of the dreams that I spent my life contemplating and pursuing.

I finished college a semester early, moved to the city where I wanted to live and work, could hang with (most of) my friends, and was still near family.

I met, dated, and married the man I had come to believe didn’t exist. (Surprise! He does.) We have one sweet, happy, healthy baby girl who lights up our lives every time she smiles. We have a dog and a house we’ve been renovating (another dream of mine).

These are the things I’ve achieved. These are the dreams I am living. And quite honestly, if these are the things I’ve accomplished in 30 years, I think I’m doing all right.

So what if I don’t have a career? Maybe the next 30 years are about building it. Maybe all the work I’ve done so far is laying the groundwork and giving me a wide variety of experience to use in the next chapter of my life and/or in my writing.

All of the things I have done and experienced thus far taught me something (or a lot of things). They made me a better person, employee, coworker, potential boss, partner, mama, daughter, sister, and friend.

If this is my life, and it looks different than I imagined 10, 15, 20 years ago, maybe that’s a good thing. It might just be the best thing.

Had my life not taken what I considered some hard lefts and detours, I may not have met my husband or had my baby girl. I might be a completely different person, perhaps even a miserably unhappy or selfish one. Maybe those things put me on a new, different, even better trajectory than I could have planned for myself.

If this is my life and I wake up to the sweet faces of my husband and my baby every morning, even as I rush to greet and get ready for the day, it is just fine with me.

Actually, I will have accomplished and be living my life’s biggest dream and greatest purpose.

Love Your Body

Posted on by Kaylin Stravalli

Do you remember the “Sunscreen” song by Baz Luhrmann from the 90s? For those of you who do, you’re welcome for that dose of nostalgia. For those who don’t know it, listen at the link below. You’re also welcome.

It starts out like this:

Ladies and gentleman of the class of 97, wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…

And I am reminded, as I have always known, that the same can be said of my blog. However, I continue to hope that you will keep reading, relating, and finding some entertainment in my thoughts and experiences. Besides, I have no more idea what I am doing in life than the next person, but I digress.

I have always liked this song, and its lyrics have stuck with me since I first heard it around age 8. Yet, some lines were brought to my mind more consistently over the years than the rest:

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh never mind. You will not understand the power and the beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in twenty years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine….

…. Enjoy your body. Use it in every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

In a 7-minute song, Baz Luhrmann spent a significant amount of time on body image. Can you imagine why that is? Perhaps it’s because everyone – and I mean everyone – has something about their body that they either don’t like or are insecure or self-conscious about. Maybe it’s our legs or our arms or our ears or our ankles. Whatever it may be, we all have something, and that something is almost always worse and/or weirder in our minds than it is in reality. But if there’s one thing that can always, always be counted on to make these insecurities rear their ugly heads, it’s wedding and swimsuit season.

In fact, I have seen and experienced both in the past year or so. Obviously summer a.k.a. Reveal-What-You’ve-Been-Hiding-Good-Or-Bad-All-Winter-Long season has just passed us by, and wedding season is in full swing.

I’ve been to at least 5 weddings in the past 12 months and was in two of them. And let me tell you, they were ripe with the “I need to lose this much,” “I want to get fit by this date before the wedding,” “I just want to get this or that a bit more toned” sort of comments. Why, you ask?

PICTURES! We know the way we look on this very special day is going to be immortalized in wedding photos for the rest of time (or at least until our grandkids sort through our belongings and give them the old heave-ho). If we don’t look our best, not only will everyone at the wedding notice, but everyone who looks at those photos over the next 70 years will too.

Oi, that’s a lot of pressure! And I’ve definitely been feeling it lately. One of my best friends is getting married next month, and I could not be more excited. However, as the wedding hit about the T-10 months mark, I became increasingly more anxious about how I looked. I vowed to use that time to get healthier, to get fitter, and to use the wedding as a deadline, a way to hold myself accountable. (Note: I have only kind of, sort of done this. I am acutely aware that it is my own fault that I do not look the best I can or would like.)

Then I met a man – a man I really liked from the start – and that only increased my anxiety about how my body looked. DANG IT! Why did I not look like the bangin’ chick I did a few years ago, when I was working out and eating healthy pretty much every day?

Um…because life gets messy and sometimes you have to take a break and eat some banana pancakes. It was then that I remembered this gem from EAT PRAY LOVE:

eat-pray-love-meme

I don’t know that truer words have ever been written or spoken, and thank God for them! The message is clear:

Love your body. It’s yours. Own it. Take care of it. Treat it to some pizza every once in a while without feeling guilty. But never, ever feel ashamed of it.

No amount of dieting, progress pictures, or swapping stories with the women (or the men, for that matter) in your life should make you feel bad about your body or make you feel like you have to change it for any reason other than you want to feel healthier and better in your own skin.

If you want to change something to make yourself feel better, I’m all for it. For what it’s worth, I support you 100%. Just remember, it’s not going to happen overnight. You can’t sit there after 10 push-ups and a set of 25 crunches like this:

do-i-have-abs-yet

It is hard work to stay active, to stay fit, to stay healthy when you have a job, friends, a significant other, kids, bills, family, etc., etc. But is it as hard as we make it out to be in our minds? You know, when we’re hunting for excuses not to go to the gym or work out or eat something green instead of that [Enter the Edible-Guilty-Pleasure-You-Can’t-Live-Without Here] on a consistent basis? Probably not.

So start small. Eat breakfast. Substitute one meal a day to make it a healthy one. Go for a walk a couple nights a week. Get a workout buddy or text your long-distance friend in another state (or country) who is trying to do the same thing, and keep each other accountable. Whatever works for you. The key is to find what works for you, not your friend’s cousin’s sister/brother-in-law. Make one change, then build on it.

Before you know it, you will be in a routine, living a lifestyle you couldn’t imagine a few months earlier. And you know what? You’re going to feel better. You’re going to have more energy. And most importantly, you’re going to look at your body in the mirror and be proud of how you look, how you feel, and the progress you have made – regardless of what any scale says.

(Side Note: My advice – Don’t own a scale. Or if you have one, throw it away. Evaluate your body and your progress by how you feel and how you see it. You don’t need a number to tell you how good or bad or indifferent you should feel about your body. It doesn’t matter. Let the doctor weigh you at check-ups and measure your progress in numbers then, if you must.)

It’s easy to forget that we all hold a unique beauty within ourselves, especially when we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. Stop it. Compare your body to your body. Be the best version of you, not the best imitation of [Enter Your Dream-Body-Celebrity-Name Here].

Find a way to be happy with yourself no matter what size or shape you are. Love (or at least learn to like and appreciate) your body; and your body will show you some love right back with endorphins and other feel-good hormones, glowing skin, a spring in your step, and a quiet confidence that can’t help but attract good things and people to you.

If you take nothing else from this post, let it be this…

Love your body. It is unique to you. You don’t have to look like Barbie or Ken, your friends, or even your family. You have to look like you. You are beautiful. No matter what you may think, what other people may say, or what society tells us is the new “standard” for beauty. Your opinion is the only one that matters, and you’re the only one who can change it.