Oh Hi, We're Adults.

My sister sent me this article a while back that she’d happened upon and reminded her of me. She apologized for if she had ever made me feel this way. I read the article, and it hit just a bit too close to home. I had a choice to make. I could be honest. Or I could sugarcoat things, make it seem like hearing those questions and being forced to answer them hadn’t made me feel the exact way Amanda felt.

I chose honesty.

I told her, yes, she had, but I knew she didn’t do it knowingly or out of malice…and that she wasn’t the only one. Scores of people made me feel that extreme sense of failure and inadequacy – friends, family, colleagues, relative strangers, people I passed on the street without a word.

How could all these people make me feel like the pavement they ground under their feet, you ask? Well, listen to the song “Follow Your Arrow” by Kacey Musgraves, and you’ll understand. But in my own words… By breathing. By having a good job or one that makes them happy and they enjoy – or worse, both. By having someone to share their life with. By getting engaged, getting married, and having kids. By getting a house or a shitty apartment they loved because it was theirs and a dog. Damn it, for having everything I wanted, didn’t have, and couldn’t get on my own.

That was the worst of it. Having to put myself out there over and over again, yet having to depend on someone else’s mood, whim, or feelings to make my dreams come true. Oh, it burned my butt to face that fact.

I was miserable, bitter, depressed, resentful, and jealous of pretty much everyone around me. I tried to mask it or hide it the best I could, but as those who know me or have met me can attest, I have no poker face. Since I couldn’t hide all, if any, of my feelings, I withdrew.

I minimized the time I spent with friends and family who were happy and had the things in life I cherished most. Don’t get me wrong; I was deeply and genuinely happy for them to have so much to fill their lives, people and things that only add to their happiness and joy – at least to my eyes. I loved them and I celebrated their successes and accomplishments, their engagements and their weddings and their babies…and then I went home and cried and threw myself a nice big pity party.

It was pathetic and unattractive. I knew it and I hated it, but I couldn’t seem to help the way I felt every time someone asked me: What are you doing now? Do you have a boyfriend? Have you moved out yet? Oh, so what do you want to do with your life?

I was single, unmarried, living with my parents, didn’t have a career, and the future was bleak and blurry. I had no idea what I wanted to do.

Well, folks, not a whole lot has changed about that, except my attitude. I had a boyfriend and thought things were lining up to give me my happily ever after – I still think they were, only not in the way I’d been expecting. We broke up, and I had to take a good, hard look at what I was doing, how I felt and why. I was devastated to see my life’s dream seem to slip just a little further away, that is, until one day something clicked.

A door closed on bitterness and sadness, and a window opened to a breath of fresh air. I was free. I could do almost anything I wanted (within the confines of the law, of course) and the only things holding me back were me and my attitude.

So, I stood up for myself. I stopped throwing myself first class pity parties. I made the effort to surround myself with happy people and let some of their happiness rub off on me. I started thinking more positively and making plans to do and see and accomplish things that mattered to me. I realized that this was the last time in my life I would have the time, the means (as long as I worked hard and saved strategically), and the opportunity to go and do and see and just be while only really having to do so for one instead of for two or for a family.

It was time to explore, to discover, to take risks – personally, professionally, and romantically, if I so chose.

Once this mindset was adopted, I was much happier and much more content with my life and with myself. I may not have my dream job, but I’ve made steps in the right direction. I may still be single and unmarried, but I’m enjoying it until someone’s path crosses and joins mine. I may not have a family of my own yet, but I know it will come in due time.

Do I enjoy all of this everyday? Um, no. I just cried the other day to my mom about how these things get to me and make me a deep shade of blue, but – and it’s an important but – my days of happiness and contentment in my current situation far outweigh the darker days.

So before you say, “You better get on it!” or “tick tock” or imply that I’m not where I’m “supposed” to be in life – bite your tongue. I’m finding my way just as you struggled to find yours. I won’t judge you for your life path; so please, don’t judge me for mine. I will find my way, but I can guarantee ours won’t be the same, nor are they meant to be. You follow your arrow, and I’ll follow mine.